Superhero Girls!

Ok, so DC Superhero Girls has just launched, which is a kid friendly version of the DCU set in some sort of super St Trinian’s (can you imagine? heaven help the staff) and targeted at girls. I’m a girl!!! The site is a little hard to find (type in DC Superhero Girls and the site will not come up immediately), but I like to think its actually a super secret challenge to weed out the unworthy ones and so only the best candidates for super St. Trinians can find out about its students and get enrolled.

So, my first ‘assignment’ was to get to know the team. So I GOTS to know them.

Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman is the ‘leader’. Damn straight she is.

Katana

Katana is ‘funky’. Perhaps that is the smell of her enemies’ blood and her sweat and also armour polish. Perhaps she’s just really into disco. Maybe Katana’s about to become DC’s Dazzler. Someone has already made the great decision to channel a Mulan vibe into the character (I know Katana’s Japanese, but the colour scheme of the armour, which is quite different from her normal look, really does say Mulan to me). She’s also ‘worldly’. Do not ask her about her gap year. The things she saw in Studio 54.

Poison Ivy

Poison Ivy is a genius who is awkward and shy and prefers to talk to her plants. I hope they release a range of Poison Ivy and Seymour Krelbourn from Little Shop of Horrors dolls and you can make them go on dates and stuff. And in this range could Poison Ivy also be called Olivia because she’s basically me in this write up ‘kay bye.

Harley Quinn

In the boardroom they thought long and hard, but eventually they chose ‘fun’, ‘unorganised’ and ‘unpredictable’ instead of ‘homocidal’, ‘batshit insane’ and ‘really awful taste in men’. Though to be honest, ‘unorganised’ and ‘homocidal’ are practically interchangeable. I do like this inclusion of villains in the line up, it means that when the girls playing with these toys grow up and find out Sasha is a total biatch they’ll realise that not everyone in your class can be Wonder Woman. Some of us grow up to be ‘unorganised’, to say the least. Giving kids harsh life lessons, DC. Me likey.

Supergirl

Supergirl is ‘sweet’, ‘awkward’ and ‘fun loving’. She’s like if E.T. and Anna from Frozen got married and made babies. Seriously though. DC Comics watched Frozen and were like ‘well Kara can do all those things AND punch Hans through the moon! She could cause eternal winter with just her breath!’ Also, I hope they take on board a lot of the 1984 Supergirl when crafting this reinvention.

Bumblebee

Bumblebee looks super sass in this. Remember when Taystee in Orange is the New Black took Piper’s hair as highlights? Well let’s just say Supergirl is Piper in this situation, except not a horrible person.

Batgirl

Batgirl is the ‘resident’ computer genius, even though Bumblee and Poison Ivy both have genius credits on their profiles. It’s only when going through this list you realise how many of DC Comics’ women are incredibly smart. Like Power Girl’s a scientific genius, but no one ever seems to care because her rack is ungodly. Anyway, Batgirl is cool and complicated, which explains why she has just the worst backpack ever. Like, what can you even carry in that? Can she fly? Does it help in anyway in her day to day life? I feel like she must be going through some sort of teen crisis or she wouldn’t have bought it.

In conclusion: AAAAAAARGGGHGGHGHGHG I love this so much. I don’t know if you can tell.

Gender Politics According To… Ariana Grande

Bless.

Oh Ariana Grande…

Firstly, I have to confess that I genuinely love Ariana Grande’s music, and that her first album is in steady rotation in the office. But I also have to confess one of the reasons I was looking forward to her sophomore album was purely because I wanted see what antiquated gender politics and roles she was going to espouse with her latest effort.

I still snort with derision when I listen to ‘Right There’, and Big Sean wonders whether, if he lost his car and money and all that stuff, she would ‘still be at home for me with the candles waiting.’ That’s right! Don’t go out and get a job to support yourself or your bankrupt babydaddy but rather, wait at home for him with candles. Don’t bring that fancy electricity in here or he will throw it back in your face! And it’s not just the rappers who make ludicrous demands, Ariana herself (or rather her team of faceless and mostly male producers and songwriters) stipulated in ‘The Way’ that as long as Mac Miller never changed she would love him. Don’t you dare grow as a person, Mac, or suddenly decide you don’t mind the orange Starbursts, or heaven forbid tell her about the principle of time and aging, because you will be out on your ass.

At first it looked like My Everything was going to disappoint on this front, but then, inevitably, a variety of rappers shuffled into the second half of the album, and it managed to yield some hidden gems of jaw dropping whyness. So without much further ado, I present….

ARIANA’S GUIDE TO LIVING LIFE NO. 1

If someone breaks your heart, don’t get over it, get even. Or, to be exact, ‘break [their] heart right back’. Only, in the case of this song, the fella she was dating was actually gay. Not sure how you’re going to break his heart if he’s really not interested, but kudos for trying.

OLIVIA’S SHITTING ON ARIANA’S DREAMS NO. 1

This seems to be a new pseudo standing up for yourself thing, where if some one dumps you, you do one better on them. The principal flaw is you can’t make them hurt like they hurt you, because they simply don’t care.

ARIANA’S GUIDE TO LIVING LIFE NO. 2

If someone loves you, and you love them, and you have sexual chemistry, it is completely unnecessary to communicate with them. This stems from a rather admirable stance on Ms. Grande’s part against fake orgasms, she’s only going to bite her lip when she means it. Kirsty Wark applauds you.

OLIVIA’S SHITTING ON ARIANA’S DREAMS NO. 2

Where this all falls apart is when The Weeknd asks Ariana, commendably, what he should do if he cannot figure ‘it’ out. I think this is a metaphor for vaginas, but I’m going to take it as a metaphor for their entire relationship, because I’m mean like that. Ariana replies ‘love me, love me harder’. Ok, well that’s not one 100% clear, so The Weeknd persists, what can he do if he simply can’t figure it out? Ariana? ‘I’m gonna leave ya, leave ya’. WHOA. Wait. You’re not going to even try and discuss why it annoys you when he leaves the toilet seat up? Or explain what your problem is with him? Harsh. Also, The Weeknd seems to think that because Ariana knows he’s a manwhore before she gets involved he is completely absolved from being a skank. You could try, The Weeknd, you could try.

ARIANA’S GUIDE TO LIVING LIFE NO. 3

All she wants is a little bit of your heart. She’d be quite contented with the scraps. She hasn’t explained to you why she isn’t ok with you tapping every guy or doll that walks past, even though she clearly agreed to this arrangement at some point. But couldn’t you give her a little bit of love?

OLIVIA’S SHITTING ON ARIANA’S DREAMS NO. 3

Go out and get yourself some self-respect. Seriously. I understand Harry Styles wrote this, not you, but how did you record it without vomiting?

ARIANA’S GUIDE TO LIVING LIFE NO. 4

Ariana leaves it to her penultimate song to turn her wise beyond her years gaze to the topic of consent, which again, is admirable. ‘Can I please put my hands on it?’ A$AP Ferg asks politely. ‘You can put your hands on it.’ She agrees. Well that’s nice.

OLIVIA’S SHITTING ON ARIANA’S DREAMS NO. 4

What is ‘it’? We’re supposed to keep our eyes on ‘it’. We’re not allowed to take our hands off ‘it’. It’s so hot its giving A$AP Ferg a tan! I’m making a tentative guess its not her ‘mind’. I like the fact Ariana gives permission, but why does she call it ‘it’. Why doesn’t she call it an ass like everyone else? Is she actually talking about her rump, or she actually talking about…

Seriously though, the amount of times she calls her own body an ‘it’ undermines her message of consent and promotes an uneasy air of objectification. Before A$AP Ferg wants to marry her he wants to put his greasy mitts on ‘it’ like she’s a simpering cow at a meat market to be groped and grabbed before being bought. Jasmine, you better take it from here.

Final verdict on Ms. Grande’s message: needs work.

Gladpebbles: Mini-Reviews of Katrina Naomi, Nick Dear’s Adaption of Persuasion, and Anthony Burgess

Sorry the blog’s been a bit sparse of late. It started because I didn’t feel I had enough to say on the books I was reading, and then the moment had passed and then you all were married with children and I was drinking alone in my telemarketing job wondering what had happened to my life.

And also I graduated*.

There are REAL (500 WORDS!) reviews of KATHERINE ANGEL’S UNMASTERED, and BRIAN AZZARELLO’S SECOND VOLUME OF WONDER WOMAN (CAAAAAAPPPPPSSS!!!) coming up, but until then, let’s catch up with where I was.

---

Book the Fifth: Persuasion by Jane Austen, adapted by Nick Dear

(From the blogger’s collection)

I read Persuasion a couple of years ago, and I remembered it being short on lols and consequently I was all like ‘Jaaaaaannnnneee??? FOR WHY?’ and then I gave it back to the library and forgot about it. But I was at Jane Austen’s house recently, just you, know, stalking, and they were selling Nick Dear’s screenplay for £2 and as a wannabe playwright/Austen fan, I couldn’t pass it up. Also I’d had an argument with a friend recently about whether or not Anne dies in the end, and I wanted to know what the answer was.

*Spoilers* I was right.

Nick Dear’s screenplay clocks in at about 90 minutes, which is quite short for an Austen adaptation, so consequently what would have been subtle hints in the novel become:

THERE’S SOMETHING UP WITH ANNE AND THAT HOT DUDE WHO’S BACK

THEY’RE LOOKING AT EACH OTHER

CAN YOU GUESS WHAT WAS BETWEEN THEM YET?

NOW HE’S WALKING HER HOME

THE ANSWER WAS THEY FANCIED THE PANTS OFF EACH OTHER

But most of the screenplay is handled quite well, there are some lovely visual cues in the script, and the characterisation was pretty strong.

I still find it hard to care for Anne Elliot, but I think that’s Austen’s fault really, so Nick, you’re off the hook.

---

Book the sixth: The Girl with the Cactus Handshake by Katrina Naomi

(From the Library’s collection)

Ok, the problem with The Girl with the Cactus Handshake is not anything to do with Katrina’s poetry, which is open, interesting, fun and memorable (even after all this time I still remember the poem about the Tunnel of Love vividly), but that reading it revealed to me that there is a gaping black hole where my soul should be.

I don’t like reading poetry.

I love writing poetry.

But I don’t like reading it.

I find it hard to get into, which, again, isn’t Katrina’s fault, because there is nothing pretentious or hard to grasp about this volume. It is incredibly accessible.

Which makes my inability to sit quietly and read a book of poetry without feeling tired and slightly cranky even worse.

I shouldn’t even be reviewing it. You shouldn’t even be reading my review. Me trying to read poetry and review it is a bit like asking me to read a newspaper cover to cover and review it.

If you like poetry, read Katrina’s volume. If not, join me in jumping to the next book –

---

Book the seventh: Inside Mr. Enderby by Anthony Burgess

(From the blogger’s brother’s collection)

Anthony, Anthony, Anthony.

I had such high hopes for this.

I love A Clockwork Orange.

I love you, you idiot.

But I don’t love this.

I was going to read the collected novels revolving around Burgess’ flatulent alter-ego, but after the first one I realised that I had had what Judy Brown called ‘too much Burgess’ and I had to go and stare at a wall until I felt human again.

Bits of this are funny. Really, really funny and interesting. There’s a whole brilliant act when Enderby is on a hellish honeymoon. And then the novel keeps going. At only 186 pages, it managed to completely outstay its welcome.

The one thing The Complete Enderby wouldn’t do was End. Ha. Ha. NOW GO TO BED.

Burgess… for why?

---

*Excuses, excuses, excuses.