So recently I reread a short story I wrote for English class when I was sixteen. At the time, I was crushed that it didn’t receive that all-validating A grade. Firstly, I want to apologise for my poor English teacher for every second she spent reading it. She can never get those minutes back. Hopefully she read it out loud in the staff room and got some laughs in return for her troubles. For my younger self, here are some pointers on how not to write shitty stories.
1. Let’s start with the opening quotation.
WHAT SIXTEEN YEAR OLD NEEDS TO START A STORY WITH AN OPENING QUOTATION.
Better yet, what sixteen year old needs to start a story with an opening quotation FROM AN ABBA SONG.
This was a serious story, by the way. Let us never forget that. So this was an honest to heaven, serious quotation of the ABBA song ‘Like an Angel Passing Through My Room.’
I thought I was so deep.
2. The opening sentence begins ‘It was a wild tempestuous storm that broke the peaceful night that had wound itself around the countryside.’ Not only do wild and tempestuous mean exactly the same thing, but the whole sentence is so painfully overwritten that I immediately wanted to stop reading and get black out drunk, and I can’t help but feel my English teacher had the exact same reaction.
3. You’re a sixteen year old nice girl who doesn’t smoke, drink or curse. You are not edgy in the slightest. Embrace that, instead of writing stories about aging glam rockers TURNED DETECTIVES who take drugs and live in Gothic mansions.
4. I used to think that using the word ‘said’ was for wusses who didn’t have thesauruses. Thesauruses are great, but you should only use words in them that are already in your vocabulary. I had a pretty big vocabulary at 16, which I annoyingly trotted out every other sentence, but I sure as hell did not use elucidate on a day to day basis. Example: “We’re looking for someone who can talk to us about Felicity Phillips,” he elucidated shortly. “I’m a Private Investigator.” NOOOOOOOO JUST STOP.
5. On the subject of choosing your words wisely, every single verb is followed promptly by an adjective in this story. No verb is allowed to die quickly and quietly, but rather is given a good old polish from my BFF adjectives. It gets very tiresome. Sample dialogue:
“Hey Louise,” he said casually, as he left.
“Hey,” she replaced the receiver and looked at him perplexedly. “Where are you going?” she asked.
“Home,” he smiled innocently, “Want a lift?”
Imagine this process continuing on endlessly over nine pages and you have some idea of the horror that was Blind Witness.
6. Hey! You’re not like other people! You read weird books instead of Twilight! Guess what? YOU DO NOT NEED TO RUB YOUR LITERARY REFERENCES IN EVERYONE ELSE’S FACE. Do you know what I liked to read when I was sixteen? Read this story, and trust me. You’ll know.
Example: ‘Titus Androidicus 01 had all the airs of a country squire hosting an event in one of those good old English murder mysteries’
There are three other references to Agatha Christie over the course of the story, in case you weren’t sure which murder mysteries in particular I had been perusing.
7. Moving back to the plot, you may have noticed in the previous quote that a robot has now got involved. Mini me, please, for the love of Shakespeare and all the muses, never again decide to base a short story ‘on a dream’. Because this is the plot. I’m not making anything up:
Aging Glam Rocker turned Detective SEBASTIAN SPARKLE runs a failing business with his adopted daughter Louise. Louise is pregnant [‘One of her hands stole unconsciously to her womb.’] and wants to become an architect instead of a rubbish secretary. Or, as I put it, ‘She had gone to spin buildings out of dreams’. Sebastian, rather than letting her do this, because he has the hots for, let us not forget, his adopted daughter, KIDNAPS Louise in order to investigate the disappearance of a nurse who pumped his stomach back in the day. Well, you’re in for a treat, because wouldn’t you know the nurse was kidnapped by INCOMPLETE ROBOTS who were made by a LOBSTER. However, they have lost their creator, WHO IS A LOBSTER, and now, aided by THEIR ARMY OF SLUGS [‘It was a disciplined Romanesque rectangle of slugs’] are planning to sacrifice the nurse, in order to live. In the most protracted and pious dialogue about human life ever written, Sebastian eventually manages to convince the robots they’re better off as robots and the robots just let them go. Then, Sebastian tries to tell his adopted daughter of his disgusting old man lusts and she misunderstands, because he is her father and is like ‘yeah I love you too Dad’ and leaves and then we’re all supposed to feel sorry for him and then the story ends, a good seven pages past its welcome.
Notes on the plot: Do not write this plot ever again. Especially not as a serious contender for the Nobel Peace Prize for really thoughtful angsty prose with adjectives.
8. Ok, so you have your terrible story, and you have your favourite characters. Maybe your favourite character is Louise. It’s not at all obvious, because you describe in creepy and over the top detail every single action she does. Now, to be fair to me, this is partially due to Sebastian being the main character, but I feel this was just an excuse for me to wax lyrical about my BFF Louise and all the awesome things she does. Like putting on a seatbelt.
No. Seriously.
‘He watched her put on her seatbelt. She did it so swiftly, yet with a deft precision, like an artist.’
In case you were wondering, she also shrugs her shoulders like a champ.
‘She shrugged, and opened the now unpleasantly warm can of coke. She had those ideal shoulders for shrugging nonchalantly.’
And when the light catches her hair, SHE LOOKS LIKE AN ANGEL BECAUSE HER HAIR IS SO AWESOME.
9. Don’t digress from the plot. I know its hard, because this plot is poo, but try and stick to it. Don’t just stick in paragraphs about your favourite films because you have a chance to force your teacher to read your opinions on EVERYTHING.
For example, I don’t know if you know this, but I had a little bit of beef with The Wizard of Oz when I was in school.
“You also knew love…” Louise started uncertainly, lamely, inserting the cliché to try and bring a Wizard of Oz happiness to the events. Sebastian had always hated the end of it. The Tin Man, the Scarecrow and the Cowardly Lion were ultimately sold short, just as the wizard had attempted to sell them short when they killed the witch. They did not gain intelligence, bravery or a heart. They had what they had always had, and were brainwashed into acceptance.
Wow, are there any openings at Oxford for an English Literature professor, because I’m breaking the internet with these revelations.
10. Proofread. Generally this story avoids spelling errors, but I still found time to write the immortal line ‘There was a low purring of clogs deep inside the metallic torso.’
And to think, when I started doing a Creative Writing degree, I was outraged because I was told to use said, not to use adjectives, to keep to the point, and not to use two words if one will do. I mean, hadn’t they read Blind Witness?? If anything, I should be teaching Creative Writing, because I’m awesome at it!!
Maybe one day I’ll be brave enough to read my seventeen year old self’s bid for an A, which involved two lesbian actresses in 1930s Hollywood and murder, but for now I’m going to cry myself to sleep.
And leave you with this gem, of course: ‘…Third door on your right,” he added to a man who had been impaled by a furious otter.’
Lasso Magica Rescarte! 