Bless.
Oh Ariana Grande…
Firstly, I have to confess that I genuinely love Ariana Grande’s music, and that her first album is in steady rotation in the office. But I also have to confess one of the reasons I was looking forward to her sophomore album was purely because I wanted see what antiquated gender politics and roles she was going to espouse with her latest effort.
I still snort with derision when I listen to ‘Right There’, and Big Sean wonders whether, if he lost his car and money and all that stuff, she would ‘still be at home for me with the candles waiting.’ That’s right! Don’t go out and get a job to support yourself or your bankrupt babydaddy but rather, wait at home for him with candles. Don’t bring that fancy electricity in here or he will throw it back in your face! And it’s not just the rappers who make ludicrous demands, Ariana herself (or rather her team of faceless and mostly male producers and songwriters) stipulated in ‘The Way’ that as long as Mac Miller never changed she would love him. Don’t you dare grow as a person, Mac, or suddenly decide you don’t mind the orange Starbursts, or heaven forbid tell her about the principle of time and aging, because you will be out on your ass.
At first it looked like My Everything was going to disappoint on this front, but then, inevitably, a variety of rappers shuffled into the second half of the album, and it managed to yield some hidden gems of jaw dropping whyness. So without much further ado, I present….
ARIANA’S GUIDE TO LIVING LIFE NO. 1
If someone breaks your heart, don’t get over it, get even. Or, to be exact, ‘break [their] heart right back’. Only, in the case of this song, the fella she was dating was actually gay. Not sure how you’re going to break his heart if he’s really not interested, but kudos for trying.
OLIVIA’S SHITTING ON ARIANA’S DREAMS NO. 1
This seems to be a new pseudo standing up for yourself thing, where if some one dumps you, you do one better on them. The principal flaw is you can’t make them hurt like they hurt you, because they simply don’t care.
ARIANA’S GUIDE TO LIVING LIFE NO. 2
If someone loves you, and you love them, and you have sexual chemistry, it is completely unnecessary to communicate with them. This stems from a rather admirable stance on Ms. Grande’s part against fake orgasms, she’s only going to bite her lip when she means it. Kirsty Wark applauds you.
OLIVIA’S SHITTING ON ARIANA’S DREAMS NO. 2
Where this all falls apart is when The Weeknd asks Ariana, commendably, what he should do if he cannot figure ‘it’ out. I think this is a metaphor for vaginas, but I’m going to take it as a metaphor for their entire relationship, because I’m mean like that. Ariana replies ‘love me, love me harder’. Ok, well that’s not one 100% clear, so The Weeknd persists, what can he do if he simply can’t figure it out? Ariana? ‘I’m gonna leave ya, leave ya’. WHOA. Wait. You’re not going to even try and discuss why it annoys you when he leaves the toilet seat up? Or explain what your problem is with him? Harsh. Also, The Weeknd seems to think that because Ariana knows he’s a manwhore before she gets involved he is completely absolved from being a skank. You could try, The Weeknd, you could try.
ARIANA’S GUIDE TO LIVING LIFE NO. 3
All she wants is a little bit of your heart. She’d be quite contented with the scraps. She hasn’t explained to you why she isn’t ok with you tapping every guy or doll that walks past, even though she clearly agreed to this arrangement at some point. But couldn’t you give her a little bit of love?
OLIVIA’S SHITTING ON ARIANA’S DREAMS NO. 3
Go out and get yourself some self-respect. Seriously. I understand Harry Styles wrote this, not you, but how did you record it without vomiting?
ARIANA’S GUIDE TO LIVING LIFE NO. 4
Ariana leaves it to her penultimate song to turn her wise beyond her years gaze to the topic of consent, which again, is admirable. ‘Can I please put my hands on it?’ A$AP Ferg asks politely. ‘You can put your hands on it.’ She agrees. Well that’s nice.
OLIVIA’S SHITTING ON ARIANA’S DREAMS NO. 4
What is ‘it’? We’re supposed to keep our eyes on ‘it’. We’re not allowed to take our hands off ‘it’. It’s so hot its giving A$AP Ferg a tan! I’m making a tentative guess its not her ‘mind’. I like the fact Ariana gives permission, but why does she call it ‘it’. Why doesn’t she call it an ass like everyone else? Is she actually talking about her rump, or she actually talking about…
Seriously though, the amount of times she calls her own body an ‘it’ undermines her message of consent and promotes an uneasy air of objectification. Before A$AP Ferg wants to marry her he wants to put his greasy mitts on ‘it’ like she’s a simpering cow at a meat market to be groped and grabbed before being bought. Jasmine, you better take it from here.
Final verdict on Ms. Grande’s message: needs work.
Lasso Magica Rescarte! 